A Terrified Traveler

“Whenever I read travel blogs, they always seem like they have everything together. They’re driven, determined, and confident in who they are and what they are doing. But me, I’m filled with fear and misgivings.”

In less than 12 hours, I am going to be arriving in Paris with no money and no place to sleep to begin an incredible two-month journey around Eastern Europe. While a large part of me is trying to be really excited, a bigger part of me keeps buffeting and pummeling the good feelings with feelings of absolute and complete terror. Aside from the fact that I still have to pack and print off my boarding passes and do a few small things around the house, I’m pretty much ready. I have everything planned from Paris to Slovenia. I couldn’t be more ready for the next month… except for the fact that I couldn’t be more unprepared.

My whole life I have saved, I have pinched, I have said ‘no’ to a lot in order to protect my oh-so-precious life savings, which was very substantial for a girl from small town Ohio, but which has since dwindled down to not so much after a year of living abroad. But still, when I look at it, it’s a comfortable number. A number that makes me feel safe. But looking into the future, knowing what will happen to this money, all I feel is fear. Fear for what will be, what might be, what is. What I am doing goes against almost everything that I am as a person. It is pitting my two biggest components against each other and the wanderlust-filled traveler is losing. Every morning I wake up pulling in anxious breaths, questioning everything and wishing I could take it all back. Wishing that instead of turning down the not one but two jobs I had lined up this summer I had consigned myself to another two months of teaching English before I commenced another year of it. I am fighting to remember why I decided to do this in the first place, this crazy, ridiculous, amazing trip that I keep trying to tell myself I won’t regret even a few months from now.

Whenever I read travel blogs, they always seem like they have everything together. They’re driven, determined, and confident in who they are and what they are doing. But me, I’m filled with fear and misgivings. So much so the fact that I’m going to be in Prague in a little over 24 hours is not even on my mind. It’s buried so far beneath all of the anxiety that it might as well be happening in another lifetime. I’m trying to tell myself it’ll be ok and sometimes I believe it, but most of the time I’m struggling to breathe. Maybe everyone else in the world can do a trip like this with the money I’ve got and not bat and eye or even relish in the idea that you don’t need any money at all to travel (bullsh*t), but I’m not one of them.

But, I guess, there’s nothing I can do but jump and hope that something, somewhere will catch me.

 

Originally written by Katie Persons via www.adventurousexpat.wordpress.com